


Sinking

by softuris



Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angry Eddie Kaspbrak, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Arguing, Bisexual Richie Tozier, But He Doesn't Mean It, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Richie Gets Lost In His Thoughts, Richie Tozier Being an Asshole, Richie Tozier Has Issues, Sad Richie Tozier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-29
Updated: 2018-07-29
Packaged: 2019-06-18 02:45:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15475830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softuris/pseuds/softuris
Summary: Richie often gets lost in his thoughts, he gets too caught up in his own head. And he doesn't mean the things he does while he is. He simply can't control it. Eddie tries hard to understand that.





	Sinking

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning. Some bad stuff is gonna go down. I cried writing this. Oops. 
> 
> Richie's thoughts are in italics.

Richie sat on a rock at the quarry by himself, the cigarette burning in between his fingers long forgotten. He was staring out at the scenery, his eyes not even focused on anything anymore. His vision was slightly hazy and out of focus from how long he had been staring. Richie was snapped out of his thoughts when he felt the familiar burn in between his fingers. 

"Shit.." He cursed, looking down and examining the new burn marks. This happened to him a lot. He always forgot about the cigarette to the point it burnt all the way down, burning in between the fingers he held it with. He sighed and ashed the cigarette out on his inner left wrist, hissing slightly at the pain. He always does this, but that doesn't numb the pain any less. 

He tossed the cigarette away from him and down into the water, watching as it fell. He often wondered what it would be like if he were the cigarette, from a higher drop. The others always tried to drive him away from those thoughts, and he pretends he's fine. Because really, he is. But he's lying when he says he is. 

Richie often gets lost in his thoughts, he gets too caught up in his own head. And he doesn't mean the things he does while he is. He simply can't control it. Eddie tries hard to understand that. 

Eddie. Richie had avoided him for a few days. He was way too stuck in his mind to actually talk to the boy properly. And he hated himself for it. 

It's not Richie. It really isn't him. And he tries so hard to tell himself that. It's not who he's becoming. Richie Tozier is not turning into a lost cause. He loves Eddie, he loves him more than anything. He just doesn't love himself, so he can't properly show Eddie how much he loves him.

Richie has the habit of pushing people away, until they distance themselves from him and leave. Because he doesn't know any better. But Eddie hasn't left. Yet. He promises, swears up and down, that he won't. But Richie can't even push himself to believe that in the slightest. He wants to believe it, God he does, but he can't. Somewhere in the back of his mind, his sick mind, he wants Eddie to leave. Richie thinks it would be for Eddie's own good, he could find someone better. But Eddie refuses. 

"Hey, Rich." He heard somebody's voice say, which snapped him out of his thoughts once again. He quickly yanked his flannel sleeve down and turned toward the source, seeing Beverly walking up to him with a small smile. 

"Thought I'd find you here." She said, sitting next to Richie on the rock. "Hey Bev.." Richie replied, giving her the best smile he could muster. 

"What are you doing here all alone?" Beverly asked. "You know everyone is at Bill's, right?" She added. Richie shrugged, "Why are you here, then?" He asked confused. Beverly smiled lightly at him again, "They sent me out to find you." 

Richie nodded, "Right.." He muttered. Beverly bumped his shoulder with hers, "Come on. Let's go, yeah?" She said, standing up and offering a hand to Richie. 

He lifted his shaky hand, grabbing onto Beverly's and beginning to stand up. Suddenly, Beverly's smile dropped. She pulled Richie's hand closer to her face, inspecting the fresh burn marks that covered over the old ones and sighed. "Again, Rich..?" She asked sadly. 

Richie yanked his hand away, shoving it into his pocket. "Forget it." He begged, not wanting to meet her sad eyes. Richie began walking towards the path that would lead them away from the quarry and Beverly sighed before following after him. 

-

They arrived at Bill's house and walked inside, his parent's greeting the pair. They said their greetings back before going down to the basement. Bill's parents had redecorated the whole basement, and let Bill claim it as the Losers Club Official Hang Out Spot. Beverly walked down first, yelling a loud and crude greeting before flopping down on a bean bag next to Ben. Richie followed after her, slower than he usually would be on his better days. 

Mike cheered when he saw Richie, a large smile taking over his face. The others looked up and smiled as well, saying their different hellos. Richie faked his best smile and gave them a wave, sitting down on the open love seat criss-cross. 

Eddie came over and sat next to him with a large happy smile. He leaned over and pressed a kiss to Richie's cheek, resting his head on his shoulder after. 

"We were just about to start a movie." Ben told Richie. "Does that sound good?" He asked. Richie nodded shortly, "Yeah." He replied. 

Bill stood up and placed the movie into the system, pressing play. 

-

A half hour passed and Eddie slowly moved his hand towards Richie's, trying to intertwine their fingers. Richie felt the touch and swallowed nervously, pulling his hand away quickly and hiding it in his lap. Eddie frowned at the gesture but decided to ignore it, well at least he tried to. 

Another half hour passed and Richie was staring mindlessly at the TV, no longer paying attention to the movie. His eyes were once again getting out of focus, and turning red from how long he hadn't blinked. Eddie looked over and noticed what was going on, sighing quietly. He stood up and grabbed Richie's hand, pulling the boy up and leading him upstairs and into the backyard. 

Once outside, Eddie turned to face Richie. "Richie.. What's going on?" He asked worriedly. 

Richie laughed bitterly, "Nothin' new, Eds." He excused, waving his hand. Eddie frown grew deeper onto his face, "Please.." He began, swallowing thickly. "Just talk to me. For once." Eddie begged. 

"There's nothing to talk about, Eddie." He stated. "I'm fine." He faked another smile. 

Eddie huffed in annoyance, "That! That's what I wanna talk about." He raised his voice slightly. "You always lie to me now. And I'm sick of it, Richie." He said, his tone dripping with irritation. 

Richie furrowed his eyebrows, "What do you mean I lie to you? I never lie to you." He defended. Eddie rolled his eyes, "You just did." 

"I didn't!" It was Richie's turn to grow irritated. "You don't trust me?" He asked, hurt. 

"I would if you told me the truth when I asked you to." Eddie replied. Richie groaned in annoyance, "Oh boo-hoo, Eddie." He snapped. "There's not shit that I wish to talk about it, so just fuck off. Okay? Can you do me that favor?" He asked rudely. 

Eddie flinched at the harsh tone, trying to mask his hurt at the words. "You don't mean that." Eddie tried to convince himself mostly. "You're just in your head again. Yeah, that's it.." Eddie said, his heart racing. Richie laughed, "What if this time I'm not? Huh? What if I actually mean it?" Richie asked, stepping closer to Eddie and staring daggers at the smaller boy. "What if I want you to just fuck off and leave me alone?" He pushed Eddie back slightly. 

Eddie tried to swallow the lump in his throat, shaking his head. "Y-You don't mean that.." Eddie whispered, his voice cracking slightly. He opened his mouth to say something else, but was cut off at the sound of Stan's voice. "You guys okay?" He asked, stepping outside with Bev behind him. 

Eddie turned to look at him, Richie still keeping his deadly gaze on Eddie, and nodded sadly. "Yeah." He swallowed again. "I was just going home.." He stated, glancing at Richie again before pushing past him and to the gate at the side of the house. 

-

Later that night, Richie sat on his bed and the thoughts of self-hate were stronger than usual. He came to his senses of what he said to Eddie ten minutes after it happened. And he knew he fucked up. He knew he made Eddie cry. The poor boy probably walked home crying the whole way. 

Richie ran his fingers through his hair, trying to tame his mind. 

_You fucked up. You're an asshole. You keep hurting people. You'll never change. You can't do anything right._

His thoughts raced rapidly around in his brain, hammering around and making his head pound as a migraine began to form. 

"Stop it." He begged, pulling on his hair. _You're such a piece of shit._ "STOP IT." Richie yelled, covering his ears with his hands and squeezing his eyes shut. 

His thoughts kept spinning rapidly, driving him slowly crazy. He stood up and slammed his fist into his wall, ignoring the pain and continuing the motion for a few minutes, until his knuckles were swelled up and bleeding. 

He looked down at his bruised and shaky hand, feeling like a monster at the mere thought of himself. 

He let out a loud choked sob, dropping to the floor and holding his fucked up hand in his good one. He curled up on his side, loudly sobbing as he held his pulsating hand close to his chest. His breathing was scattered and heavy, and soon he sat up and pulled the shoe box out from underneath his bed. 

He opened it with shaky hands and grabbed a blade he kept hidden in there. Richie stared at it for a few seconds before getting pulled back into his mind, his wrist being the thing he took his anger out on. 

-

The next day Beverly begged Richie to come out of his house, having no idea what happened the night before. She made him go to the quarry with her and the others, stating how fun it would be. But Eddie was there. And Richie couldn't stand the sad looks Eddie was sending his way. So he kept his gaze on the ground.

The others began ridding their clothes, getting down to their underwear and diving into the cool water below. Except for Richie. The boy, lost in his thoughts, stayed put on the rock he sat upon. The sun beating down on him in his black jeans and flannel. 

Eddie sat next to Richie and sighed, "I know how hot it is in that flannel." He said, getting a shrug from Richie in reply. 

"Come on, take it off." Eddie said, tugging on the sleeve on Richie's flannel. Richie shook his head, not yet looking at Eddie at all. 

"Why not?" Eddie pushed. _Come on, Richie. Take it off. Let's show Eddie how fucked up you really are._ Richie's mind taunted. 

"I don't want to." Richie mumbled, trying to ignore his thoughts. "Rich, it's over a hundred degrees.. I know you're burning up." Eddie pushed again, seeing the sweat dripping down Richie's face. He didn't want him to suffer a heat stroke. 

Richie's heart picked up speed, his mind telling him to take off the flannel and reveal what he hides the most. Richie's hands began to shake. 

Eddie tugged on Richie's flannel again, and Richie bolted up. He yanked the flannel off of his body and threw it to the ground, holding his arms out. Eddie's eyes went as wide as they could get, his jaw dropping in horror. "R-R.." He couldn't even speak. 

"There you go, Eddie. I took off the flannel!" Richie exclaimed. "You happy now? Are you pleased with the outcome?" He continued, his voice loud. 

Eddie's eyes filled with tears, as they quickly fell down his cheeks in what could resemble waterfalls. "I..." He struggled. 

Richie shook his head, "Don't. I know what you're thinking." He cut him off, turning around and storming off as Eddie still stared in shock at the place Richie once stood. 

Mike came up the path, from the water with a look of confusion. "You coming in the water, Eddie?" Then, he noticed the tears. "What happened? And where's Richie?" He asked worriedly. Eddie's lip quivered and he couldn't bring himself to reply. Instead, he took off in the direction Richie went.

-

Richie sat in his room, holding his head in his hands as tears fell down his cheeks and sobs left his mouth. 

_You really fucked up this time. He thinks you're a freak, now._

Richie's whole body shook. He let out a scream and stood up, throwing his lamp at the wall. 

Richie began to trash his room, not able to control himself. The crashes of glass and any other objects he could get his hands on tuned out any other sound nearby. Richie was a mess.

\- 

Eddie rushed to Richie's house, his lungs burning as he ran quickly without stopping. Every now and then, he would wipe his tears as he ran. He stopped outside of Richie's house, his hands on his knees as he tried to catch his breath. 

He rushed to the side of the house when he noticed no cars were home and climbed his way to Richie's window, pushing it up and climbing in without second thought. 

He looked around the mess of the room, seeing broken glass and other random objects, but no sign of Richie. And that made his heart sink into his stomach. "Richie!" Eddie yelled frantically. He rushed out of the bedroom and into the empty hallway, everything was strangely quiet in the house and it made Eddie feel like throwing up. 

"Richie, where the fuck are you..?" Eddie muttered to himself, then his eyes landed on the closed bathroom door and his heart picked up its speed all over again. 

He shakily walked to the door and turned the knob, pushing it open and rushing inside. What he saw inside made him scream loudly.

Richie laid in the bathtub, clothes soaked with water and his wrists soaked with blood. "RICHIE!" Eddie screamed and threw himself forward, pulling the taller male out of the water and close to his body. Eddie frantically searched for a pulse, praying to whatever God was up there that there was one. 

His shaky fingers found a pulse, small but still present. He began to shake Richie's shoulders in panic, "Richie.. Richie wake up, please!" He begged, his voice breaking out in sobs at the end. Eddie quickly got up and rushed into Richie's parent's room to call for an ambulance, explaining the situation, before he rushed back to Richie.

Richie opened his eyes, his vision slightly blurry as he tried to look around. He made out a blurry figure and reached out to touch them, to see if it was real. When he felt them grab his hand in return, he knew it wasn't fake. And he knew he wasn't dead, yet. "Richie.." He heard Eddie's shaky voice. Richie smiled slightly at the sound of Eddie's voice, "Eds.." He whispered, his voice hoarse. "Eddie... Sing to me, please?" Richie asked quietly. 

"Sing me to sleep.." Richie added. Eddie let out a sob, "Don't say that! Don't fall asleep, please.. Don't close your eyes." Eddie begged, holding Richie close to him tightly and not caring about the blood or water getting all over his clothes. 

"Sing to me." Richie said again, reaching up to place a hand against Eddie's cheek. "I want to hear your voice. I want to go to sleep." 

Richie heard Eddie let out another sob, and pulled the boy down to meet his lips in a short kiss. "Shh.." Richie whispered, putting a shaky finger to his lips. "Don't cry, Eddie Spaghetti." He choked out. "I love you, okay?" He promised. Eddie couldn't help but let out another sob. "I love you, too.. So much." Eddie replied. 

Richie smiled sadly, "I miss hearing that.." He whispered. 

Eddie heard the sirens getting closer, and pulled Richie closer to him and started to sing softly. "I always liked the thought of maybe being a runaway.." He began, in a tear filled voice. "I could be your lover, and you could be my heartache.." He let out a sob. "I could sing the song that we used to sing when we were kids.. Maybe that could bring us back to before we got stuck in this..." Eddie let out a shaky breath, watching as Richie smiled up at him with tears in his own unfocused eyes. 

The sirens grew closer, stopping outside of the house as Eddie continued to sing to Richie quietly while holding him in his arms.


End file.
